by Todd Schaefer –
Before we can talk about why we might detach from someone, let’s talk about what happens when we are attached to someone. Let’s say that you and I are having an argument. Looking at this argument from an energetic perspective, you might say that both of us are projecting energy. We are projecting energy as words, and energy as feelings. My words are made up of vibrations – of energy. I am not only communicating energy as words, I am also sharing my beliefs, thought processes, attitudes, pains and suffering from my past, judgments, expectations and more. All of these things about me are projected from my being when I speak to you. In the course of an argument, it can be easy to see these things occurring if we can tune into them. We use the example of an argument because it is an example of when energy is clashing between two people, and we can feel this energy strongly. After observing some of these dynamics, you might say that, during an argument, we are energetically attached.
If we are energetically attached, how do we detach then? The first thing we can examine that can help us is to remember to not take offense while in an argument. Given, it can be challenging to not be offended during an argument. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn how to do it! When we take offense, we are reacting to what someone says. But who are we truly reacting to? The answer is our own self. The one we are arguing with merely serves as a catalyst to our own energy.
Whether it is our own energy or another’s energy, if we attach to what is happening, we operate within ourselves from diminished levels of clarity. When we are not clear, we have an energetic blockage. Blockages are denser energies like anger and fear. When we have that blockage, the flow of energy within us inhibits our ability to clearly see the outside world. The less that we deal with ourselves, the more we begin to see things clearly. We begin to perceive without judgment and without expectation. It is then that we begin seeing “all that is” more clearly because we are no longer only seeing what we are projecting.
We become confused sometimes because we forget the difference between when we are projecting energy and when we are perceiving the energy of what is actually happening outside of us. We see through our own subjective lens so often, we sometimes forget that there is a world beyond the way that we interpret it. For example, if I carry many pains around with me and constantly project an image of pain about myself, how often am I truly interacting with the world outside of me? Not very often, I would say. Instead of interacting with the new energy in the world, I am inhibited by my blocked, inner flow of energy. If that happens, I will create opportunities to unblock that flow. Those opportunities will likely manifest into our experience as obstacles and challenges.
Detaching From Expectations
When I see myself clearly, I can then see you clearly. If I do not see myself clearly, I cannot see you clearly. If I get upset with you, I was upset within myself first. (You did not create the upset – I did, remember?) My expectation of how you should respond to me is not the same as yours. Therefore, you are emotionally detached from my expectation.
Let’s say we’ve released all of our expectations and have detached from the world around us. We still love the world and the people in it. However, we are no longer subject to its influence. We are now at the point where we can love the world without allowing its drama to become our drama. We can now compassionately detach from family and friends.
Compassionately Detaching From People
There is another story about a boy who traveled in his hot air balloon. He came across a meadow where he saw another boy on a farm who had fallen in the mud and was stuck. The boy in the balloon was happy he could help and went to the stuck boy and threw down a rope. The stuck boy began climbing up the rope. Although he was climbing the rope, his weight was too much for the balloon and the balloon began to descend. The boy in the balloon called out that to the stuck boy that his weight was too much and that he should let go. The boy climbing (who was going nowhere except pulling the balloon down to the ground) did not respond. Eventually, the two boys and the hot air balloon were stuck in the mud.
The boy in the mud was too busy living out his own story to see that he was pulling another person into it. He may have wanted to get out of the mud, but he did not have the awareness to know that he was hurting someone else, too. Many times, those around us who need help are not in a position of awareness where they can acknowledge the love that we are giving to them.
There is a difference between enabling a person’s story versus empowering their growth. If we compassionately detach from someone’s story, we are free from becoming stuck or pulled into it. We are free to give them the level of love that they require to leave their story, if they choose. By not allowing them to subject you to their story, you are empowering them to leave it. You can do this no matter where they are or wish to go. If they still value you, they will construct a lifeline to you which is based in truth and awareness (and detached from their story).
We have created our stories in order to learn from them. However, in the new energy, many of the creations or dramas that we had created long ago and carried with us we no longer need. So how do we re-create our new story and let go of the old one? We know that we no longer need to create pain in order to grow, and we also know that we don’t have to project that pain onto others. If we are in pain, unless the one we are “arguing” with can come from a deeper place of self-love and awareness than us, it is likely that they too will get caught up in our drama. In order receive help, we need to begin compassionately detaching from our own pain.
Compassionately Detaching from Pain
Although pain is our creation, it is not who we are, as individuals. Pain was not meant to be a possession, although many of us have created it as a possession, allowing for continual expression of the gifts pain brings. Pain, being a creative energy, can be a great source of inspiration and creativity. Yet, many people fall into the trap of believing that “they are their pain” rather than they only “experience the pain.” We see the pains as aspects of ourselves, pieces of who we are. “I am me because of the hardships I have endured,” for example. Although the hardships we created may have assisted while enduring them, we are still not the hardships themselves.
Letting pain go is as simple as letting it go. You can decide to do this. You can snap your fingers, and say outloud, “I now let this pain go with love,” and you will begin to see changes inside of you. Nevertheless, many people let it go like casting out a fishing reel. They cast it out in an expression and feel good about it. But then they choose to reel the pain energy back in again. So, they do not give it true permission to leave.
As mentioned earlier, people identify with their pains, and often, feel fear of losing themselves when confronted with letting go of their pain. Pain, being a form of fear, often clouds what lies beyond it. Fear is learned, and there is no fear beyond pain. There is only an increased love of self, patiently waiting to be embraced by us. Our self-love will even help us let the pain go when we choose.
With more awareness and self-love, we not only begin detaching from the pain of others (or the stories/dramas of others) but we begin to discover that detaching from the pain in others also promotes detaching from the pain in ourselves.